DIONYSUS

Every summer when I return to Greece Dionysus serves me ouzo and fresh tomatoes with a spinkling of salt. He finds it hilarious that after being away all these years that's what I miss the most.

Then he offers me Karelia cigarettes and the two of us sit back and pretend we are really adults.

One night many years ago Dionysus and I sat opposite the Parthenon letting the Ouzo go to our head.
It was warm; a slight breeze came from Piraeus port and caressed our limbs with its feathery touch. It brought with it stories from the Aegean islands that excited the blood. Dionysus chanelled them and tempted me with tales from Mykonos. Suddenly he stopped, bit his lip and smiled.

- Pame?

(Will we go?)

We rushed home in taxis, packed lightly and met at Piraeus port at dawn. The next evening we were the toast of Pierros Bar*. People would approach me to ask about the beautiful boy I was with.

Do you remember that Dionysus? I was so proud. It was when I realised we were not children anymore. You had gone off and turned yourself into a swan when I wasn’t looking.

Your exit three weeks ago was just as hasty as the decision to go on that trip to Mykonos. I don’t know how to write or be about it.

I will try not gloss over your spicy, colourful life with the sadness that has come to sit on all of our shoulders like a heavy cloak we just can’t fucking get rid of. But we don’t want to get rid of it.

BECAUSE YOU MY LOVE, ARE WONDERFUL.

Nothing is more sensual than the way you walk.
Your vibrant full strides, your gorgeous stance, the way your turn to look at us.
You are always seducing us, always capturing our gaze, even when we don’t know it, we are breathless. Your perfect face, you say the harshest things but your eyes speak only of warmth.

Your voracious, healthy, unashamed appetite for sex. Where will I start with that?
Sex is always where you are.
It’s where the conversation begins and where it ends.

It’s the undercurrent, the meaning and the punch line.
It’s underneath every play we discuss, it’s in the food you prepare, it percolates in the coffee that is brewing as you drag on your cigarette, it’s in the water you offer me, it’s in your movements, it’s in attendance when you choose your clothes, it’s in the bottle of Jameson you keep for the night. It’s all around you. It's you.

And you ask me did I do it with that guy I’m seeing.
I say “No”,
You put your eyes up to heaven and say: “Aaaaaaa eise Ilithia”, which means “Oooooooooh you’re a moron”.
I laugh because we have a different code and you laugh because you know there is no code.

When we were kids I felt nervous around you. You were too quick witted for me. You became my training ground until one day I forgot I was a person without wit and could effortlessly banter with you. You did that, you trained me.

How can I explain what you are to me? Can you help?

Remember back when we were 15 and I came to your house upset?
You took me into the kitchen and handed me a glass.
- Break it, you ordered me.
- I can’t break it. That’s wrong. Said the timid little girl I used to be.
- Yes you can, now just do it.
I told you my Mum gave out to me when I broke things. You told me your Mum only gave out to you if you broke things by accident. If you broke them on purpose it was all right. I was in awe of this way of thinking
I threw the glass into the granite sink three times and three times it bounced back into my hand. We looked at each other as though we were witnessing some kind of miracle. Glass breaks when it's smashed onto granite, right?
Finally you broke it and I broke another one you gave me. Two glasses and a lot of Greek music** later you had released me.

When I think about you being gone it’s like someone is squeezing my heart.
You see, I thought you’d always be here.
Remember I told you that I would make lots of money and buy a massive villa on a Greek Island?
You would help me decorate and all of us that grew up together, as well as those we collected on the way, would gather in this exquisite house by the sea.
A beautiful home full of art, food and love. All the people I love under one roof.
That was our last conversation and you told me to wake up from my dream.

I keep waiting for you to come and meet me in that dream.
Tell me I’m eating too much and grope my breast to prove your point. Then worried that you might have hurt my feelings tell me I’m beautiful and ask me what I want to eat.
Get annoyed with me if I have moments of weakness and don’t recognise my own worth. Then switch places and look at me like you think the advice I give you is the wisest thing you’ve ever heard.

I remember sitting at the restaurant in Plaka three weeks ago. I felt you and turned around to watch you walk towards me. My nerve endings try to pierce my skin every time I think I won’t see you walk towards me again.

I LOVE YOU.
*http://www.pierrosbar.gr/ **http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PctAepLJolE