Shut Up and Hug Me ©

I prayed…No…Not prayed… Chanted, as instructed, with my eyes focused on the wall and realised I was getting nauseous.
This was like a punishment not an act of connecting with infinite wisdom.
Maybe I was angry?
Was the method wrong or was I wrong? Well of course I was angry!
Why would I be sitting here chanting to forgive people if I wasn’t bloody angry!!!!!!!

This is what happens in your mind when you try to meditate for the first time.

So I went out and sat in the open air and Nam-myoho-renge-kyo’d there.
Hmmmm ……much better.
Ok Mr. Lark or whatever your name is, at least when you chirp I don’t have to listen to my inner monologue.

Was all this really for me? Maybe I needed to explore other belief systems before I landed on something.

Eve, my Facebook/ Dance-Crazy friend had asked me to go and support her. She was going to be dancing at an Alternative Fair. I went and even got pulled up from the audience to join in. This was good and didn’t make me feel angry.
Maybe I believed in Dancing?

When the dancing was over I left Eve and walked the booths in search of spirituality. It was a maze of crystals and purple-wearing people.
Oh Lord.......I was becoming cynical or maybe all this focusing on trying to release my anger …..was making me ….. well…. Angry.

A couple of older Men approached me. They tried to bamboozle me by guessing where I was from.
They had this “Come little girl and I will heal your life and show you the mysteries of the world” air.
They were quite offended when I told them to go take a hike.
- Why are you here? You’re not open, they said. In a last desperate effort to shake me.
- Are you referring to my mind or my legs?
Result! They ran a mile after that.

According to the mystic law you draw things to you.
Had I just drawn these two clowns to me?
I decided I had, in order to vent my anger. They were my cosmic punch bags.

Maybe I needed to go to a Fight Club instead of an Alternative Fair.

I turned the corner and walked into a lovely young girl who had been practising Reiki for 6 months. I did a session with her. She calmed me down made me see colours; blues and yellows, as she moved her hands up and down my body.
When I told her about the colours she got a tear in her eye. That's how much she loved connecting with people and understanding their feelings.

Then I ran into another woman who did Kundalini meditation with me and this time she made me cry. You’ll be glad to know that neither of these women wore purple.
They hadn’t healed me but they had comforted me.

Is that is what we mean when we say healing?
The comfort of interaction with other people? Genuine interaction. The kind that comes when you finally shut up and stop analysing. When you just hug someone with no expectation of anything beyond a little bit of comfort. Children look for it and demand it so easily. Why do we drop it as we get older?
We look for comfort in the bottom of biscuit tins or in bottles of wine.

Everywhere I went the “Believers” told me the same thing.
- This will change your life. This is the way to find happiness….
None of them were lying but I wondered if they knew that about each other.

I walked out of the exhibition centre asking myself what I was looking for and what I believed in.

Suddenly I remembered. As I brought the memory closer I started giggling.
Years of trying to be a serious and focused grown up had put this memory in the drawer of “Frivolities”. But now as I drew it closer to me and made it more vivid I realised it made my heart feel warm.

The memory is of the little girl I was. She wakes up excited on Christmas morning and runs into the kitchen to see if Santa Claus has eaten the milk and cookies she left out for him.
When she sees that nothing but crumbs are left on the plate she screams so loudly that her parents run into the kitchen alarmed (They pretend to be alarmed – but she didn’t know that at that the time).
She dashes into the sitting room in her bear feet and sees the presents laid out under the Christmas tree. She can’t believe it. Santa Claus was here and brought all these presents because she is a good girl.
The first gift is wrapped in shiny green wrapping paper decorated with little stars. It’s a box of chocolate ladybirds with fresh cream in them.
She looks up at her parents who are watching her and smiling.
- Can I have a chocolate before breakfast?
- Yes but only because Santa brought them, her Mum says.
She runs and hugs her Mum and Dad and she’s so happy. The rest of the gifts fade, they don’t matter. All the magic is in the set up

That’s what I believe in.
That little feeling that makes people do things for one another just to see a smile.

You know what it is and I'm sure you have a special little memory of your own locked up somewhere.
Go on, unlock it and warm up your heart or just Shut Up and Hug Me!